Diary of a Mad Woman
Friday November 9, 2012 11:11pm (Make a Wish!)
I wish I knew where my phone was. I have retraced my steps since I remember having it last. We were at Spring Loaded Indoor Trampoline Park at the Texas Ski Ranch and I checked in on Yelp. I remember regretting that I hadn’t taken a picture of my delicious fish tacos from Wahoo’s. God, I’m so glad they opened a location here. Their tacos are the bees knees! Anyway, we had a great time, jumped around like Kris Kross, (except we didn’t have our clothes on backwards) ate tacos, and headed back to the casa. I’ve been home for about half an hour now, and spent 28 of those minutes searching for my phone. Her name is Phone E Cates (a play on Phoebe Cates, but all my dirty friends think it’s because it sounds like “fornicates.” Pervs.) All the trampolining got me sweaty. I’m going to jump in the shower and resume my search once I’m clean.
Friday 11:48 November 9, 2012
Still no sign of my phone. I have dumped the entire contents of my purse out on my bed. I found half a pack of gum, a ring I thought was lost, countless receipts, $2.21 in coins, an old wristband from I show I can’t remember, but no Phone E Cates. That totally sucks too, because I just thought of something brilliant that is less than 140 characters so it’s perfect Twitter material. (I’ll just add that to the Twitter-bank for future use.) I’m down, but not out. I shall resume the search tomorrow. Tonight I will rest up, (my legs are still wobbly from the trampoline) sleep like a baby without the constant interruption of my phone alerts, and wake up ready to take on the world. Good night.
Saturday 2:03 am November 10, 2012
Woke up and reached for Phone E Cates to check the time; she wasn’t there. Oh yeah, now I remember… I wandered into the kitchen to check the time on the microwave. It’s 2:03 am, or maybe not. Could be 2 minutes, 3 seconds left that nobody bothered to clear. Truth is, you can’t trust microwave time. Nobody ever bothers to set that shit correctly anymore. I am reminded that it drives my family crazy when I leave leftover minutes on the microwave instead of just clearing it out. I guess some people are OCD that way. I decide to go back to bed but now the wheels are spinning and I can’t stop thinking about microwaves. It was probably me that left the 2:03 when I popped that bag of kettle corn. Mmmmm, kettle corn. *yawn*
Saturday 10:00am November 10, 2012
Woke up tired. I had strange dreams of kettle corn popping up and down on trampolines with the sound of a microwave incessantly beeping in the background. Weird. I’m feeling a little shaky and the butterflies are swirling a bit in my belly. Maybe I should take the kayak out on the lake and just forget the world? That sounds relaxing and it is a gorgeous day outside. Bet we won’t have too many more of those. Yep, that sounds just like what the doctor ordered!
Saturday 11:11am November 10, 2012 (Make a Wish!)
I wish I had never gone out on the lake! The sun was shining, Lake Dunlap was calm, the water glistening like glass. There I was alone in my thoughts on the open water, feeling free and trapped at the same time. I wanted to take a picture for Instagram of the sereneness in front of me, I wanted to check in on Yelp, I wanted to tweet and Facebook, but alas, no phone. Is it possible for me to stay unplugged and just enjoy God’s gifts and the beauty in nature that surrounds me? That remains to be seen.
Saturday 1:44pm November 10, 2012
Just got home from HEB grocery store. I had a list with me, but wanted to call the kids to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I did. Turns out, we need garbage bags. Fuck. I refuse to leave the house the rest of the day. I can feel my emotions spiraling into a really dark place. I’m feeling a little lightheaded and maybe even a bit nauseous. Is it possible to suffer from phone withdrawals? I think I’m going to lie down for now.
Saturday 5:23pm November 10, 2012
Wowzers! Woke up in a cold sweat, head throbbing and really out of it. I couldn’t tell if it was the middle of the day or the middle of the night. I still feel loopy, but the kids were promised a fish fry and I won’t let them down! On the menu: catfish nuggets, fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, hush puppies, stuffed clams, steak fries, cole slaw, and homemade tarter. Yes! This should improve my outlook. Off the computer and on with the apron!
Saturday 10:05pm November 10, 2012
Dinner was a smashing success, my kitchen is destroyed, the house has a faint fishy smell, the kids are lazying around on the sofa, and I’m going to curl up in bed and watch Saturday Night Live. I can’t shake this feeling of being emotionally wrecked. I haven’t felt this roller coaster since I was pregnant with my youngest child, Mikayla 15 years ago. What’s happening to me?
Sunday 12:07am November 11, 2012
SNL wasn’t as funny as it usually is. Color me disappointed. I kept hearing noises outside my window and seeing strange shadows. I went out to the living room and asked the kids, but they all laughed at me. I think they are plotting against me. Mutiny in the cottage! I’ve walked circled around my house in the midnight air and can’t shake this feeling of imminent disaster. Every fiber of my being tells me something is amiss. I swear I can hear wolves howling from the other side of the lake. My heart won’t stop pounding and I feel like it’s 100 degrees in the house. When I went to adjust the thermostat the kids stopped me. Dallas calmly placed her hand over mine as I reached to turn the dial down to 64. “Mom, we are freezing! You’ve got to stop.” I found her calmness frightening. That’s not like her at all. The other two are sharing a comforter on the couch staring blankly at the tv. They resemble zombies. I’m beginning to wonder if their bodies have been taken over. Paranoia has definitely set in.
Sunday 1:56am November 11, 2012
Unable to take it anymore, I went to Mikayla’s room and fetched her iPad. I must log in to my social networking sites. I turned it on and saw her photo gallery. It made me think of my photo gallery. Was there someone out there right now sifting through my pictures, invading my privacy? I felt guilty and put the iPad on my nightstand. That’s when I heard it again. Something is going on outside, I just know it! I’m really scared. Is there an alien invasion? Is someone stalking me? What are those shadows? I feel sick to my stomach and the term “uneasy” in quite the understatement. There is no way I’ll be able to sleep tonight. How will I go on like this?
Sunday 11:11am November 11, 2012
Woke up exhausted. Again. This constant feeling of paranoia is beginning to overwhelm me. The house is eerily quiet, I’m almost afraid to leave my bedroom. By now I will have heard the pitter-patter of my grandson running around on the laminate wood floors. The tv is usually blaring Disney channel and my kids fighting over cereal or pop tarts. There is nothing coming from the rest of my house, but quiet. It’s Sunday morning and football will kick-off soon. Maybe that will ease my nerves. Yes, I think a nice relaxing day in my pj’s watching football is just what I need. Going to check my fantasy league. Will resume the search for Phone E Cates tonight.
Sunday 11:44am November 11, 2012
All my fear, all my paranoia, all my feeling of uneasiness was not for nothing! It really IS the end of the world! I tried to log in to Yahoo Fantasy Football and their servers are down! That can only mean one thing: Armageddon. I ran into Mikayla’s room to check on her and she was gone. I went into Brandon’s room and he wasn’t there, either. The same thing with my daughter Dallas and my grandson Lyric. Thank God! They had all been taken in The Rapture. Now I am here all alone, without a phone. I ran outside to see if Earth was destroyed, to see if I was the last one standing in Riverbend Subdivision. (On any given Sunday morning you’ll find kids playing in the cul-de-sac, Dads working on lawns, and Moms sitting on porch rockers sipping iced tea (or whiskey.) The only person I saw was the weird lady that wears a nightgown when she walks her dog, no matter the time of day. Also, I’m pretty sure she purposely antagonizes my boxer, Bailey. All my fears have been substantiated. This is it. The End of Times as written in Revelations. I am preparing for “Red Dawn.” I found a set of camo’s in my closet from some long ago Halloween. I smeared make-up all over my face and packed a back pack. Guns, ammo, food, can opener, knives, toilet paper… I’m getting prepared for this. I just hope I can find other survivors and help repopulate the Earth. There is still so much to be done. This might be my last entry. Only God knows what’s in store for me now. To the person that finds this, I hope I died a hero. I hope I saved peoples lives, I hope I had more children, I hope that mankind pulled through. (Also, I hope you don’t find my phone. That shit is more private than this diary.)
Sunday 12:36pm November 11, 2011
It’s possible I overreacted to Yahoo’s servers being down. While in the midst of packing my Apocalypse Box, the kids walked through the door. Turns out, Dallas had taken them all out to eat and didn’t want to disturb me. Apparently, it’s not the End of Times just yet. What a relief! Now I’m tasked with explaining to the kids why I’m decked out in Battle Dress Uniform, grease paint across my face, and wielding a serrated hunting knife. “I’m going to a costume party later,” I tell them. I don’t think they bought it. I can tell they are talking about me. They’re laughing, too. They think I’ve finally lost my mind. Well, maybe I have. I want to call my best friend so bad, but I can’t. I really hate not having a phone.
Sunday 11:11pm (Make a Wish!) November 11, 2012
I wish that when I wake up tomorrow, this will all have been a terrible, no good, very bad dream. I wish that my phone will be sitting there on my nightstand like she usually is, ready to greet me with time, date, temperature, and notifications. Only I know this is not a dream. It is real and my phone is lost forever. Tomorrow after work, I will replace her. Good bye Phone E Cates. You were good to me and you will forever be missed.
Monday 10:49am November 12, 2012
It nearly took an Act of Congress to get my ass out of bed today. I’m so depressed, I don’t want to do anything, especially go to work. Yet, here I am, back at my desk, answering emails and voice-mails, wishing I was home in bed. Dallas just called to check on me. I guess all the kids are concerned about my physical and mental well being. Can you blame them? She asked if I was hungry and said she was going to stop by and bring me a surprise. I hope it’s a double patty melt with sauerkraut from Freddy’s Frozen Custard. My bestie Hannah says Freddy’s is the devil and she might be right.
Monday 12:01pm November 12, 2012
All is right in the world and order has been restored! My stomach ache is gone, the uneasy feeling I couldn’t shake has been shaken, and that 800 pound gorilla is no longer a monkey on my back. Turns out, the “surprise” she had for me came out of Lyric’s toy box and often goes by the name “Phone E Cates.” Apparently, Lyric had picked it up Friday and put it away in his toy box when he was getting ready for bed that night. I feel relief. Relief that I have my phone back, relief that it’s not the end of the world, relief that my kids no longer question my sanity, and relief that the paranoia & withdrawals are gone. The only thing that could make me feel any better than I already feel would be if someone brought me that patty melt from Freddy’s. Someone? Anyone?