Posted in Family, Home, Personal, Relationships

Why I Am Not Ready To Have This Baby

I mean, I am ready. I’m ready in the sense that the nursery is all set-up. We have a 503 count stockpile of diapers. The dresser is nicely organized with onesies, nighties, and tiny socks. We have a beautiful vintage stroller AND a jogging stroller. There is a mountain of freshly laundered receiving blankets. The car seat is on order from Amazon (and it’s adorable!) I am pre-registered at the hospital, have taken the Birthing Center tour, and my bag is packed. In fact, I’ve been more ready for this baby than I was with my previous three… I feel like I’ve been given a second (*fourth) chance with this.

I am ready to not face constant heartburn or the need to tinkle.
I am ready to not waddle when I walk. (I used to have such a lovely gait!)
I am ready to be comfortable in my clothes again.
I am ready to effortlessly breathe.
I am ready to have a drink or five.

Yes, I am ready to hold her, smell her, kiss her, love her, and nurse her. For those things, I simply cannot wait!

Why am I not ready to have this baby?
This is it. My last pregnancy. We have discussed it multiple times and we are not having any more children. I am 40, Jose is 43. We have 8 children between us. We are grandparents for Goodness sake!

Never again will I have morning sickness.
Never again will I have a baby bump.
Never again will I feel the kicks, flips, and hiccups from inside me.
Never again will I have that “pregnant glow.”
Never again will my body experience the changes that motherhood has to offer.

Why am I not ready to have this baby?
One day, very soon, she will be born. She will be on the outside of me instead of the inside of me. For now, I love laying on the sofa at night, my head in Jose’s lap, his hand resting on my belly. She reacts to his voice and mine. She knows our touch. When we are in bed, Jose spoons us, still carefully holding my belly. When I get uncomfortable and have to flip sides, Jose flips with us making me the big spoon. Our baby loves to kick Daddy’s back just to let him know she is awake. It’s just three of us, in our own little world and I am not ready to let anyone else in.

I am not ready for someone else to hold her.
I am not ready for her to be exposed.
I am not ready for someone else to walk away with her.
I am not ready to share her.
I am not ready for her to not physically be a part of me.

I know it is selfish. I know it sounds ridiculous. I DON’T CARE.
I know we have so many people in our lives, friends and family that will help take such wonderful care of her. They will attentively hold her, lovingly soothe her, and skillfully change and feed her. It takes a village and a village is what we have. For those things, I am thankful.

Why am I not ready to have this baby?
Once she is born, there is no going back. She will grow, she will teethe, she will take her first steps, say her first words, start her first day of school, learn to drive, fall in love, graduate, pursue her dreams, get married, and have children of her own.
One day, for the first time ever, she will look me in the eyes and say, “I love you, Mommy.”

Okay, maybe I am ready to have this baby.