Let me preface this by saying,
I LOVE PREGNANT BODIES!
I do, I really do. I think pregnant women with large baby bumps are beautiful and sexy and amazing. Unfortunately, I don’t think that about myself. I am 4 months along, so the weight gain has begun. My bump isn’t an obvious baby bump (unless you know me and remember my pre-pregnant body.) It’s more like, well, extra weight. You see, I am in that weird in between stage. (Like when you are growing out your hair and it’s too short to put up, but it still awkwardly hangs in your face and there is nothing you can do but wait it out.) My clothes are snug. Anything that buttons at the waist gives me the “busted can of biscuits” look. Nothing I own is flattering, but I’m not quite far enough along to switch to maternity clothes. I hate it. That being said, being the eternal optimist, I started thinking about the bright side. It didn’t take long to figure out that blaming the baby is easy…
(It’s not as harsh as it sounds)
1) “Do you want to come to my 40th birthday bash tonight? Jello shots, kegstands, and Fireball for everybody!”
Gosh, that sounds awesome and I would LOVE to come celebrate with you, but the baby is exhausted and I need to get to bed early.
2) “Would you like another slice of pizza?”
Yes, thank you. It’s not for me, it’s for the baby. I’m full.
*stuffs my face with pizza*
3) “Do you need anything, honey?”
Nah, I’m fine, but the baby could use some chocolate. Mind going to the store?
4) [My day off] “Can you work my shift for me today?”
I sure could use the extra money and would be happy to help, but the baby has my stomach in knots, so I think I should just stay in bed.
5) “Want to go bikini shopping/sky-diving/BASE jumping/ to a 5 year-olds birthday party?”
Geez, sounds like the time of my life, but right now my doctor says that’s not good for the baby.
6) “Here mija, have some of my homemade menudo.”
I’m sure it’s delicious and who doesn’t love tripe, but the baby seems to have an aversion to cow stomach so I’m going to have to pass.
…and then there’s this:
6) “Want to go thrift shopping/out for sushi/grub on queso?”
(I’m exhausted, dehydrated, head is throbbing, tummy is aching, and back feels broken)
*jumps in car, buckles seatbelt, and anxiously awaits to depart!*