Posted in Family, Home, Personal, Relationships, Work

I Only Like Menudo With Ricky Martin

Let me preface this by saying,
I LOVE PREGNANT BODIES!

I do, I really do. I think pregnant women with large baby bumps are beautiful and sexy and amazing. Unfortunately, I don’t think that about myself. I am 4 months along, so the weight gain has begun. My bump isn’t an obvious baby bump (unless you know me and remember my pre-pregnant body.) It’s more like, well, extra weight. You see, I am in that weird in between stage. (Like when you are growing out your hair and it’s too short to put up, but it still awkwardly hangs in your face and there is nothing you can do but wait it out.) My clothes are snug. Anything that buttons at the waist gives me the “busted can of biscuits” look. Nothing I own is flattering, but I’m not quite far enough along to switch to maternity clothes. I hate it. That being said, being the eternal optimist, I started thinking about the bright side. It didn’t take long to figure out that blaming the baby is easy…
(It’s not as harsh as it sounds)

1) “Do you want to come to my 40th birthday bash tonight? Jello shots, kegstands, and Fireball for everybody!”
Gosh, that sounds awesome and I would LOVE to come celebrate with you, but the baby is exhausted and I need to get to bed early.

2) “Would you like another slice of pizza?”
Yes, thank you. It’s not for me, it’s for the baby. I’m full.
*stuffs my face with pizza*

3) “Do you need anything, honey?”
Nah, I’m fine, but the baby could use some chocolate. Mind going to the store?

4) [My day off] “Can you work my shift for me today?”
I sure could use the extra money and would be happy to help, but the baby has my stomach in knots, so I think I should just stay in bed.

5) “Want to go bikini shopping/sky-diving/BASE jumping/ to a 5 year-olds birthday party?”
Geez, sounds like the time of my life, but right now my doctor says that’s not good for the baby.

6) “Here mija, have some of my homemade menudo.”
I’m sure it’s delicious and who doesn’t love tripe, but the baby seems to have an aversion to cow stomach so I’m going to have to pass.

…and then there’s this:

6) “Want to go thrift shopping/out for sushi/grub on queso?”
(I’m exhausted, dehydrated, head is throbbing, tummy is aching, and back feels broken)
*jumps in car, buckles seatbelt, and anxiously awaits to depart!*

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Moms Pages Blues

Oh, those crazy Moms pages on Facebook. I am a member of several. Sometimes I want to remove myself and sometimes I can’t stop myself from interjecting. Something I’ve noticed over the past year is that the same questions are asked over and over, sometimes several times a week! Today, as was I scrolling through the Moms feed, I realized that pretty soon, after my baby is born I’m going to be asking the same questions. EEK!

“Where can I get an amber teething necklace locally?”
Granted, I have no idea what an amber teething necklace is, but I’ve seen it asked 412 times, so I’m pretty sure my baby will need one, too. Also, I always try to shop locally.

“I’m in need of this specialty customized cake for my baby’s 1st birthday. I need it by Saturday and it can’t cost a fortune! Who do you recommend?”
Truth be told, I’ve bought sheet cakes from the grocery store or made a cake from a box for my older kids’ birthdays. Apparently, I’m failing as a mother and only a precisionly hand-made Frozen theme cake with life-like Anna & Elsa and glittered snowflakes will do for my precious little princess.

“I’m also going to need a bouncy house for her 1st birthday party. Who has the least expensive ones to rent that will come to my house on 4 days notice, set it up, and take it down after the party? Also, it can’t damage my freshly landscaped yard.”
A bouncy house for a 1 year old? …I guess so. I’m pretty sure we just held parties in the kitchen and I bounced my babies on my lap. Also, by “freshly landscaped yard,” I mean that we finally paid the teenager down the street to mow over our jungle after we got a letter from the city asking if we abandoned our dwelling.

“ISO of a reliable babysitter that is insured & bonded and has a current CPR certification.”
Would I sound like an old lady if I said, “Back in my day, we asked the teen-aged girl down the street to watch our baby.”?

“Ladies, my car seat is about to expire. What product do you recommend for a forward facing seat that has a mobile, a cup-holder, radio, comes in a variety colors & patterns, and is the safest for my precious cargo?”
Car seats expire?

“I know this asked been asked a jillion times already, but where do kids eat free tonight?”
Yes, it has been asked a jillion times. In fact, if you just scroll down three posts, you’ll find the answer. (If you could tag me in it though, that would be great – I don’t feel like searching either.)

“I know you girls aren’t Doctors, but can you look at my child’s disgusting rash and diagnose it for me, please.”
Ew, just, ew. If I ever do this, please unfriend me on Facebook and in real life.

“I’m looking for an experienced, gentle groomer that will handle my fur baby the same I would handle my human baby.”
Hahahahahahaha! Just kidding. We all know the best groomer in town is Jose Castelan at Happy Tails Pet Ranch  (830) 625-5700. He offers discounts to Moms of New Braunfels on Facebook!

Yeah, yeah, yeah…. shameless plug for my husband, but he really is the best groomer in New Braunfels. I swear I’m not biased.

moms