I love Halloween more than most people do. I am 38 years old and have never not dressed up, well, until last night…
You see, my boyfriend and I were moving and had to finish everything to be out of the house by the end of the month. Luckily, we had dressed up and attended a Halloween party Saturday night, so I didn’t get completely left out. Still, as we stood in line at the grocery store buying beer to help ease the pain of moving, I solemnly looked at him and said, “This is the first year ever I haven’t dressed up on Halloween.” He could tell I was sad. He asked where my costume was and I told him I had already packed it. (Another sad face.) Our gal pal Jennifer was out at our favorite haunt and had been calling him to see if we would make an appearance. I could tell he was debating it.
After hour of sweating. boxing, packing, loading, and cleaning, we decided to get out of the house for an hour. At nearly 11pm, we headed out, sans costume. As we approached our favorite hang out, Jose looked in the window and said,
“There is a guy singing on stage with an ax.”
I said, “Well, that’s not something you see everyday.” Hello Halloween!
I was excited to see everyone’s costumes, and as expected I was not let down. We walked in and immediately saw several friends all dressed up. We went to say our hellos when suddenly, a gal dressed as a sexy cop grabbed Jose and slapped REAL FUCKING HANDCUFFS on him.
“That’s okay,” she said, “they have a release button.”
Apparently she squeezed them on his wrist pretty hard and he was ready to get them off. I mean, if you’re not into kinky sex or getting arrested, you really don’t want to be handcuffed. She started looking for the release button to no avail. We thought she was joking around until we saw it in her eyes that she really couldn’t find it. She had borrowed them from her friend, “Supergirl” who was standing next to us. Supergirl she said she thought she had the key, but she didn’t have it with her.
Oh boy, I could see Jose getting more and more irritated. Actually, he was downright angry. Truthfully, I was too. I mean really, who the hell cuffs a guy with his girlfriend standing next to him? And worst of all, Jennifer wasn’t there and she was the main reason we went. As we drank our Lone Star, Jose leaned in to me and said,
“Why did we even come out tonight?”
I had no good answer.
By now, the cuffs were hurting his wrist, he was surly as all get out, Supergirl and her friend Sexy Swat Team Girl were on the dance floor with Paul Bunyon (the guy that was singing on stage with an ax) and Sexy Cop Girl was standing there telling Jose he was being childish about the whole situation. I’ve never seen him hit a lady, but I was pretty sure that was about to change. He told her she needed to send Supergirl home to get the key or he was going to call a locksmith to come get the handcuffs off him at her expense. She made a dash to the dance floor to get Supergirl.
Meanwhile, Jose has a bar knife and is furiously trying to pick the lock while restraining himself from stabbing Sexy Cop Girl with it. I’m standing back, sipping my Lone Star, pretty much hating life. I was tired, (did I mention I had been up since 4:30am when the flood sirens went off and found out my campgrounds were under water? Did I even mention the flood and all the work that goes into dealing with that when you have a full park due to Wurstfest and the Tour De Gruene all happening in one weekend?) I had been doing all that packing, moving, loading, and cleaning, I hadn’t had a shower, and my stress levels were out of control. This sucked.
Out of nowhere, Jennifer pops up on stage singing a song about treasure that I had never heard before. A 50’s greaser, Bob Ross, and Adele were standing next to me cheering her on. I looked over the bar at Jose. He was on the verge of committing a felony. Feeling bad about walking away from Jennifer’s stellar performance, I went back over to him and gave him a sympathy face. He wasn’t having it. We sat on our bar stools, intently watching the windows for Supergirl to arrive with the key for what felt like an eternity. Sexy Cop Girl was beginning to feel guilty, so we let her buy our beers. That was second good thing about the night, with Jennifer being the first.
When I finally saw Sexy SWAT Team Girl and Supergirl, I was so excited, I jumped up and started pointing, “There she is! There she is!” like a kindergartner. For the first time all night, I saw Jose relax.
Long story short, the key arrived, the cuffs came off, and Jose finally started to smile. I did, too. The Incredible Hulk showed up, looking fierce and basically putting all of us at ease. By now, the bartender called last call and we ordered one last round, finally ready to enjoy the last 15 minutes of Halloween.
Moral of the story? I haven’t a clue. I just wanted to share my Halloween Horror with you. Hope y’all stayed safe and were able to jack some great candy from your kids. Time for Thankful mode….