Long distances relationships aren’t easy for anyone, but this one has taken it’s toll on me. When we are together, it’s us against the world! I’m his only one. He likes to take me by the hand and parade me around like he’s showing me off. We laugh, we eat, we cuddle, we nap, we love. We are inseparable. It’s the highlight of my life.
When we are apart, I think about him constantly. I wonder what he is doing and who he is with. I worry that he is not taking his medications. Sometimes we go a few days without talking to each other and I wonder if he is thinking of me as much as I think of him. I wonder if he misses me so much that it hurts because that’s how I feel about him. If I make plans and go out with friends, I feel guilty that I didn’t take that time to spend with him. I wonder if it hurts him that I’m enjoying myself without him. I wonder if he knows that even though I’m out with others, he is the one that is on my mind.
When I hear that he went out with others, I get jealous. I wanted to try that restaurant with him, I wanted to be the one to take him to see that movie. I know it’s selfish, but it’s hard for me to share him. Especially when I know that he has another woman in his life. I hate it. It’s agonizing and it rips me up inside. He doesn’t talk about her to me, but I know she is there. I never bring her up to him. I’m afraid of what I might hear. What if he likes being with her more than he likes being with me? Or worse, what if he loves her more? I don’t think I could take it. Really, my heart would break into so many pieces it could never be put back together. I often wonder if she feels that way about me. Does he talk about me to her? Does he tell her he loves me? Does she get jealous of me? What if she puts ideas in his head? Oh God, this is tearing me up. It’s torture.
I want us to always be together. I want to live in harmony. I know we will have our ups and downs. We won’t always agree with each other. Sometimes I’ll do things that will drive him nuts and sometimes he’ll do things that will make me crazy. But we will get over it and move on because that’s what love is.
I know I can never be #1 in his life. That spot is reserved for his Mother and she deserves it. Nobody will love him the way she does, not even me. The bond between a mother and son is beautiful and amazing. She is so good to him and he is so good to her. I see the way he cares for her when she is sick. His love, care, and nurturing is beyond measure. And hers in return is the same. She loves him the same I way I love my son. It’s the best love.
It feels like an eternity since I saw him last. I can’t wait to see him again. I get all giddy with butterflies in my stomach, anticipating that moment when we first lock eyes. His eyes! My God, they are amazing. So deep and soulful, they could make you weep. He has the eyes of wise man with eyelashes that don’t stop. In that moment, all the worry, all the anxiety, all the gut-wrenching nausea of not being with him subsides. That’s when he cups my face with one hand, tousles my hair with the other hand, smiles at me, cocks his head to the side, gazes into my eyes and says,
“Luh you, Grammy!”
That’s the moment I know I’m his forever.
*UPDATE: For the many of you that have asked… the other woman I was referring to is indeed the other grandma.