When your best friend lives one block from you, carpools with you, works with you, drinks with you, cries with you, prays with you, and plays with you, she has an idea of what presses your buttons. Now that Sandy Pants has gotten an *ahem* “real job,” it’s sorta lonely around my office. She likes to keep me giggling throughout my work day by sending me “a whole lotta awesome” such as the ‘ode-to-shitty-campers’ e-mail I got this morning.
It made my day!
Sent: Friday, November 02, 2012 10:59 AM
Subject: Contact Page Inquiry
Name: Pantsy McSands
Message: I need to reserve a site without electric in advance… how do I do that since it’s “first come first serve”? Also… I’ll be bringing my 4 large dogs… is there a dog walking area at the campground? And where is the nearest gas station… as I’ll need fuel for my generator? Oh… and what’ll the weather be like on 12/15?
Thank you in advance for your timely response to my inquiry!
I would be happy to accommodate you! Since you are interested in primitive camping, I am assuming you are referring to the site closest to Slumber Falls? It wouldn’t be any trouble at all for me to convince our resident maintenance man/camp bouncer, Snarky McRands (AKA ‘Biggun’) to “rope off” that specific area as it is neither plotted, nor numbered. Since it is the off-season and our employees have very little to do, he can find the time between scrubbing bath house toilets and chopping firewood (which is much better suited for him as he bears a striking resemblance to Paul Bunyan.) The dogs will be no trouble at all! I’m certain you are a responsible pet owner who will keep your dogs from roaming the campgrounds, getting into trash bins, terrorizing neighboring campsites, barking at the nearly full moon at 3am, and most of all, I know you will clean up after your pets have gone poopies. It would be our pleasure to provide you with fuel for your generator. Afterall, what is camping without a mini-fridge, am I right? As far as the weather goes, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt, the daytime temperatures will be upper 60’s with nighttime temperatures dipping into the mid 50’s. Lucky you! Perfect camping weather! Also, there should be little humidity, light cloud coverage, but mostly sunny, and zero chance of precipitation. Finally, if you are interested in the springs that run through the campgrounds, feel free to turn them on and off at your leisure. There is a valve conveniently located mere yards from your site so you can adjust it at will. If I can offer any further assistance, you are welcome to phone me as often as you’d like, as many times as your heart desires between now and your arrival. Also, should you require me after hours, I would be happy to answer your calls on my personal cellular device at 1-800-EAT-SHIT which is toll free so you won’t have to pay long-distance fees. Thank you for your inquiry. No need to pay ahead of time with a credit card, I trust that you will arrive as promised, with cash in hand.
Looking forward to seeing you!
All my best,